So, if I am letting people know who I am, it is inescapable that I am a mother.
I have three children, 30, 27 & 24. I can't say I grew up wanting to get married and have kids. I wanted to be a movie critic, live in NYC, and drive a Porsche 911 if I'm just being honest. But, I became a mother, which has honed who I am more than any other relationship. As I look back, there are things I do not know, but a few things I do...doing the personal work to heal generational pain will serve your children; being a mother is only a part of who we are in this world, it is not our sole identity; the priceless/painful gift of being a mother is the mirror it offers to reflect our shit; there is no such thing as a "good" mother.
As I work to build adult relationships with my adult children, needing their approval for how I parented them is not the goal. I want to be in a relationship with them NOW, and today's mother is radically different from the mother they had as children. Mothers who need to be good often are not, but mothers who love their children and love themselves teach invaluable lessons.
The versions of "mother" my children have witnessed are complicated and messy, but as my oldest said yesterday, "well, you got it mostly right." Knowing myself, learning to be compassionate to me has made me a loving mother, not a good mother. And I'll take "mostly" all damn day.
The wisdom of the Enneagram offers parents liberation from the expectation of being good. Understanding why I say, feel and do what I do allows me to evolve as a mother. The Enneagram has given me beautiful insight into loving my children as they are, not as I wish them to be.
I also want to share about another member of my family. I have an ex-husband who is my dear friend, and we are both very proud of the family we built together and the humans we've raised. We are also protective of that family and have chosen to support each other as we move forward with our respective lives. He lives in Charlotte, North Carolina, and we co-parent our youngest daughter, who is Intellectually Disabled. We were together for more than three decades, dating and marriage, and split three years ago, and I think we must share about it. Why? Mainly because we have watched spouses, in-laws, friends, and the church (particularly the church) destroy lives when a marriage ends. It is brutal...and it is unnecessary. Choosing to end a marriage and honor each other may not be easy, but it offers an opportunity to sincerely love your family, children, and ex-spouse. I am gay, and after decades of struggle, I decided to live honestly in light of that truth.
I have often said it is a privilege to come out later in life after much therapy, coaching, unlearning, and becoming. It is a gift to step publicly into my entire being without shame and live from a foundation of being grounded in heart, mind, body, and soul. It is also a privilege to have an ex-husband and adult children who have held space for me and offered me mercy for mistakes made along the way. Don't mistake any of this for my saying it has been easy. On the contrary, there were years of sleepless nights, anxiety-ridden inner monologues, numbing, and pain.
Each Enneagram Type has a Defense Mechanism, and for a Type 8, it is denial. Type 8s must be strong, we cannot be vulnerable, and we use denial to keep the whole structure in place. Coming out was insanely liberating, and there are no words to articulate the rest, freedom, peace, and joy of living authentically. My personal work with the Enneagram began as a way to circumvent coming out, but quite the opposite occurred. I thought becoming more self-aware would allow me to accept my circumstances, but it lead me to accept myself. I remember my teacher Peter O'Hanrahan saying one day in training, "Self-awareness cannot outpace self-acceptance." The more I understood my patterns, became compassionate toward myself, and worked to loosen the narrative I had clung to for most of my life, I chose to be vulnerable, and it has changed my life.
That choice also brought massive changes to our family, and we are committed to loving each other as we navigate moving forward. I would not be who or where I am without the deep love, forgiveness, and care, I have received from my ex-husband and beautiful children. Obviously, an Instagram post doesn't offer the space to deal with the myriad complexities and struggles which have and are playing out, but know that we are choosing love.